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Imagining President Trump’s Internal Dialogue After the Loss of Hope Hicks

I am losing Hope. My fantastic favorite, the only one I can trust morning, noon and night. And now Hope is almost gone.

Ivanka and Jared, hello goodbye. I don’t need more legal troubles right now. Don’t believe me when I say I want you to stay. I mean, I need you to go. Oh, Ivanka can stay and do whatever she does. Fill in for the silent Slav. Jared, you’re fired. Shalom, Shalom.

Let me tell you about the steel tariffs. Nobody’s happy, but I just knew at that moment it was the right thing to do. And I’m the president, so trust me.

And I can tell you clearly why we are blocking the Hudson River tunnel – in two words: Chuck Schumer. Why would I ever do something Schumer wants for his state? Oh yeah, my state too, but I’ve gone red now. Whatever I say, I am all for the NRA.

Only losers take public transportation, I told the Cub Scout Paul Ryan. Scrap it, bury it. That guy melts in my hands. He’s my partner in crime, getting rid of Obamacare and everything else with Obama’s name on it. Dreamers, wake up already!

Cartoons on President Donald Trump

Mad about Hope, I was blowing off steam, shifting focus – always in the moment. That’s what made me a television star – only one person knew what I’d do next. And sometimes not even one.

(Laugh) I like chaos. It really is good.

Angela and Theresa, what can I say? I gave them the Trump charm and Theresa fell for it more than Angela. We held hands on the way out to the Rose Garden. I’m told Britain and Germany are our most important allies, so I’ll try harder next time.

Mueller ain’t seen nothing yet. If he crosses me, there’s no telling what I’ll do. Everybody in this town thinks he’ll find Russian dirt on me – think again! Vlad and I laid the plans way too deep for that. Oh, he’s the one with the grudge against Hillary – not me! I just did a favor for my Russian friend by running. Then the people loved me and I won Wisconsin – the rest is history! They lost an election they should have won. They’re still cryin’ into their pillows at night. Haha!

The biggest mistake I made – the only mistake I made – was picking Sessions for attorney general. My most loyal Senate man. What a mistake I made! Glad I got rid of that tall freak circus Comey. (I have to be the tallest guy in the room.) Sessions is my curse. Recuse from the Russian investigation? Recuse? What does Mr. Magoo think he’s here for? Just to look at him makes the king mad.

Don’t worry, people, we’re still going to build that beautiful wall, if John Kelly has to lay down the stones himself. He’s a Marine, tough guy, he loves punishment, right? That’s why he’s my chief of staff. He loves the wall – he loved Rob Porter – maybe not me. But I love giving a general orders. The only one who truly loves me is – wait for it! – Stephen Miller. Miller and me in a bunker, not my first choice.

The press swarms all over me and my tweets. I give them lots to talk about, to write about. I start tweeting at dawn, There’s no down time for the White House press corps. I keep track of ’em all, though. They know I’m watching what they say, every word. Sometimes I read what they write. Maggie is always a good read. But have you noticed I’ve haven’t given a press conference lately?

A lot of people give me books about Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Hamilton. No time to read ’em, sorry folks. They all had their day before I came along and suggested presidents for life. They will all be dust before I’m done. And why read books when you can watch Fox?

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